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Dear Emmy,

Emmy invitation

You've been invited to the 1988 Emmy Awards! Invitation Image by Alan Light via Flickr

Happy 63rd birthday! You are over the hill. And it shows.

At this fine ripe age, I expect so much more from you. Award shows should have more class. You are handing out gold-plated dust collectors and mantle decorators, for crying out loud. I do not think it is an appropriate venue for singing songs how much you love sex. That doesn’t make you “hip” or in tune with the younger crowd. It makes the younger crowd laugh at you for trying so hard. Young people will never relate to senior citizens using slang words and planking on their therapeutic beds.

You want some younger and more viewers? Here are some tips that do not involve Akon shucking and jiving across stage and laughing at your own embarrassingly bad jokes to deafen the silence:

1. Be more diverse. Invite black people, seat them in the front, and actually let them win a lot of awards. Perhaps even half. And don’t just invite the black people whom white people are talking about when they say “I have black friends”. The entire cast of Saturday Night Live falls under this category. Plus, everyone knows that black people are cool. Having more of them around increase the cool factor of the party and makes you seem less uptight and racist.

2. Stop the hokey singing. I enjoy a good theatrical number as much as the next gay guy, but even I can tell that your gimmick is so last year. At least take it seriously and make it clever, and GOOD. The comedic slapstick song at the beginning of the show is not risqué anymore. It’s traditional, and therefore boring. Only old people still think that’s taboo.

3. Fire some of your old faithful writers. Let them retire. Hire new, unknown, younger talent and allow the more experienced people to coach and guide them a little. You can find these funnier writers on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and Blogs. These are the people who actually are making us LOL these days. Generate the economy and jobs, and give the real hilarious people a chance. Don’t make them merely the inspiration. Let them be the creators! You can search for them via my Twitter and FB friends. They make me LOL and click the LIKE button all day. By the way, don’t allow anyone over the age of 25 to use that LOL acronym in a sentence on stage.

4. Make it more of a democracy. Let US choose who wins. If old people of the academy/committee/retirement home are choosing the shows, of course the younger crowd isn’t interested. OUR shows are not nominated. Once again, Saturday Night Live doesn’t count. Original cast members have given birth, became grandparents, and died. Young people do not watch Saturday Night Live. They are out on Saturdays…actually living.

5. Do a focus group. That’s the mature way of figuring out what people want to see on the Emmy’s. Pay attention to the demographics of the target audience for particular shows. Consider shows that cater to the demographics you are reaching for. Let them be nominated and let them win. Research what people of these demographics find funny today and proceed to number 6.

6. Break it up with some better entertainment. Use current popular trends. 2011 has been the year of YouTube videos going viral. Use that to your advantage. There could have been a segment devoted to planking (Click Here). I would have laughed. Or a segment that featured a loser freaking out, like the remote-booty-shoving guy (Click Here). I would have laughed. You should have invited the bad-ass honey badger narrator to provide some commentary on attendees. Hellooo…are you living under the rock you used to smoke in the 80’s? BE CURRENT. And every year, support a different social cause, so that the production doesn’t seem totally superfluous.

7. Invite younger people. And I don’t mean the young people that old people recognize because they play teenagers on tv shows that old people watch. Cough-Glee-Cough. Sorry, I was coughing while I said GLEE.

8. Grow old gracefully. With class, style, and a sense of humor. Stop trying so hard to be young. You are not young. You are an award show that hands trophies out for excellence in television production. That is no laughing matter. Don’t be all low-brow about it for cheap laughs. You are better than that. You have survived, and if you want to continue surviving, you will have to evolve with the times without trying to turn back the clock.

9. Never invite the Jersey Shore cast again.

10. Hire me. But be advised that I did not watch the whole show this year. It got boring. I used most of it as white noise. I doubt that I am the only one. Let’s work together to change that.

September 2011
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