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Shakespeare was a big fan of the word “CUNT”.

William Shakespeare's signature

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I was raised not to use foul language, so CUNT is not a part of my typical language, along with other profanities. But Shakespeare loved the word and used it often in his works. Most teacher, experts, and professors downplay Shakespeare’s naughty language because they think that it will overshadow how genius his works are. Plus, if you tell a teenager this they will began raising hell with lingo, claiming that they were inspired by the great late Shakespeare.

Many people are intimidated by the fancy language and size of Shakespeare’s text. That is reasonable. I felt the same way when I was forced to read Shakespeare for my High School english classes. But there’s nothing like some fancy dirty talk to make you fall in love.

In this dialogue from Hamlet, Ophelia (Hamlet’s honey) thinks that Hamlet is trying to get into her panties:

Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Ophelia: No, my lord.

Hamlet: I mean, my head upon your lap?

Ophelia: Ay, my lord.

Hamlet: Do you think I meant country matters?

Where is the dirty talk, you wonder?

“Lie in your lap” was a fancy way of suggesting….”playing around in the “lap” area. You know…where your naughties-goods are.  Ophelia shoots Hamlet down with a “No. Hamlet clarifies that he meant he only wanted to lay his head in her lap. Ophelia agrees to this lesser  intimacy.

Then Hamlet  asks her if she thought he meant “country matters”. This is the dirtiest part of all: Country is a play on words of the word: CUNT. Country matters = CUNTry matters.

That dirty bard….(A bard is a professional poet that is employed be someone of high status to  produce masterpieces).

Also, in a scene from Twelfth Night, Malvolio reads a letter that he thinks is from his honey, Olivia. Malvolio is quoted as saying:

“…these be her very Cs, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s.”

You see a C, U, T, and P capitalized in that sentence right? And you are wondering how the hell that spells CUNT?  The “and” after “her U’s” is supposed to be pronounced extra lazily to sound like the letter “N”. So if someone were to speak the sentence the way Shakespeare intended, it would sound like this:

…these be her very C’s, her U’s, ‘N’ [and] her T’s…

What does the P mean, you also wonder? The P is a stand-in for the word “Pee”. Get it?

“…and thus makes she her great P’s [Pee].

That dirty bard.

In the very first Shakespeare book that I ever read, Romeo and Juliet, the dirtiness is not as difficult to notice. Mercutio (Romeo’s best friend) says to the Nurse that “the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon”. “Prick of noon” is a metaphor for an erected penis. He uses the idea of a clock, but what this all means is that there is a bawdy (raunchy) hand on an erect penis.

In Othello, Iago tells Brabantio:

‘I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor [Othello] are now making the beast with two backs.”

You’ve heard of “the beast with two backs” as slang for “sex”, right? Shakespeare INVENTED that slang.

That dirty, dirty, bard.

House Party (the classic 90’s film featuring the basically defunct Kid and Play duo) fans may be aware of the vulgarity in the play Much Ado About Nothing, since it was the winning answer and the only thing Play could remember learning from his girlfriend when competing in a trivia contest for school.

When Benedick (MUCH ADO ANOUT NOTHIG) is speaking to his honey, he says:

“I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in they eyes.”

“Die”, in this sentence, actually means “ORGASM”.

So if you want to hear a dirty joke, read a book written by William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare loved talking about vaginas. Some euphemisms he used are:

  • BIRD’S NEST
  • BOX UNSEEN
  • CRACK
  • FLOWER
  • FORFENDED PLACE
  • Hole
  • NEST OF SPICERY
  • NETHERLANDS
  • O.
  • PILLICOCK-HILL
  • SALMON’S TAIL
  • SECRET PARTS
  • VENUS’ GLOVE
  • WITHERED PEAR
  • WOUND

Shakespeare also loved talking about penises (not as much as talking about vaginas though):

  • BUGLE
  • DART OF LOVE
  • INSTRUMENT
  • LITTLE FINGER
  • LOINS
  • PIZZLE
  • PRICK
  • POTATO-FINGER
  • THORN
  • TOOL
What a freak. What an awesome freak. 
Here is a video of one of my favorite Shakespeare speeches. It’s from Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3…Polonius’s advice to his son, Laertes.

And in case you prefer to read the “lyrics”:

POLONIUS’S ADVICE TO LAERTES

A father’s advice to his son how to conduct himself in the world: Don’t tell all you think, or put into action thoughts out of harmony or proportion with the occasion. Be friendly, but not common; don’t dull your palm by effusively shaking hands with every chance newcomer. Avoid quarrels if you can, but if they are forced on you, give a good account of yourself. Hear every man’s censure (opinion), but express your own ideas to few. Dress well, but not ostentatiously. Neither borrow nor lend. And guarantee yourself against being false to others by setting up the high moral principle of being true to yourself.

Give thy thoughts no tongue,

Nor any unproportion’d thought his act.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar;

The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,

Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;

But do not dull thy palm with entertainment

Of each new-hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade. Beware

Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in,

Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee.

Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice;

Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.

Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,

But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;

For the apparel oft proclaims the man.

Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.



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