1. Do not name your baby Eastasia or anything else too “interesting”. People will only say its interesting or nice because its retarded and people are afraid to be mean to retarded people and their offspring (I’m not Jen Aniston. I mean retarded).
2. Don’t name your child after liquor. This includes Alize, Champagne, Hennesy, Perignon, Vodka, Jack Daniels, or Zifandel.
3. Don’t name your child after any mineral other than Ruby. Diamond is a stripper name. So is Sapphire (see Sapphire-ry or whatever on Flava of Love for an example). While I’m at it, don’t use ANY name given to a whore on any type of Flava of Love show. It brings bad juju, causing your kid to grow up as a roach kissing floozy as well.
4. If you can’t spell it off the top of your head, don’t write it on a birth certificate.
5. Don’t choose a random name out of thin air simply because you like it. This is your first, biggest, most important and long lasting gift you will ever give your child. Don’t fuck it up. Choose a name that invokes positive thoughts when you say it. Choose a name that means something to you. Like maybe its from a favorite book character, or passing along the name of one of your parents, or a name that has a meaning that resonates with you. Don’t pull names out of your ass. Know what it means and why you chose it. It’s their very first birthday for crying out loud, and on top of that they have to leave a womb, and enter the crazy world cold, with a slap on the ass and all type of tools shoved in their holes. Give a good gift.
5. Don’t name a child after unsavory characters, no Hitlers, deadbeat daddies, murderers, abusers, etc.
6. Be as phonetic as possible. If you can’t reason the pronunciation without telling me that one of the letters is silent then it’s a fucked up name. And only put a symbol in the name if you know how its used. 99 percent of accents used in names are pointless and used incorrectly.
7. Don’t be too creative. If you’ve never invented a word that was put into the new edition of a dictionary, you probably don’t have the proper credentials for inventing names either. Trying too hard to be unique can result in a name that sounds like an STD.
8. Katie does not have to be spelled as Qayyti. If you plan to name your child a traditional name, do them the favor and spell it the traditional way. That way they don’t feel some kind of way when shopping for those little personalized items in stores.
9. If its a word in the dictionary, think really hard about not using. Hope may pass, but Essence doesn’t.
10. Don’t name your children after cars, regardless of how expensive it is.
11. Don’t name your child two separate names rolled into one. It gets messy.
12. Don’t name your children after things. Or numbers. I like “Six” because of Blossom, though it still sounds a little foolish. Seven passes also, with a slight screwface. All other numbers are out.
13. Or places you’ve never been.
14. Or animals. Not even Tiger.
15. Don’t use a name that you have know idea of what the hell it means. Especially if its in another language. What if it means crotch-raper? Or dirt-eater?
16. Don’t name your children after rappers. Don’t question my prejudice, just don’t. You will thank me later when you don’t have to explain to your kid why his name is Slim Shady.
17. Lmao off at everyone name Precious now. Especially those who are fat people. It gets a little less funny, and more unfortunate if the person is brown skin on top of that. I know that sounds offensive but i can say that because I’m black. And sometimes fat 😦 . See the consequences of number 9? Sadness all around.
18. If it would make a good stripper name, its not a good name. Candy, Caramel, Lady, Lollipop, and once again, Diamond.
19. Don’t name your child after me. It aint mine. Take me to Maury. I’m 1 thousand billion percent sure cus youze a hoe.
20. Don’t name your kids Jayla, Jada, Jaden, Jaylen, or any other variations of it. Thanks to Will and Jada Smith and the naming of their 1998 spawn (Jaden), every other preggo thinks its just so damn cute. It is actually, but when your child hits kindergarten at least 2/3rds of her/his classmates will have a variation of her/his name. It’s not as unique as you think it is anymore. (Sidenote: Will’s real name is Willard. Haha. See #23, the name only passes because he’s a Jr.)
21. Avoid suffixes like -auna, -onda, -awn, -awna, -isha, -quanda, -nay, -wanda, and -eeka. They can turn any name ghetto. Let’s try it with my name. Nequanda, Neeka, Ne-isha, Neyonda. Not a good look.
22. Be careful with pre-fixes like La-, Na-, Sha-, and Qua-. Never pair them with the suffixes from # 21. Laquanda, Shawanda, Sha-Nay, Latreeka….all sound hood. If you own one of these names, don’t blame me for you being offended. Blame the people who wrote it on your birth certificate.
23. Pass on all the hideousness involved in old people names like Girtrude, Beatrice, Eartha, Bert, Agatha, Mildred, Claude, Horace…etc. If you must, because they are being named after someone important in your family, use it as a middle name and give the kid and extra middle name neutralize the old people smell out of it.
24. If you have a girl, and her dad’s name is John, do not name her Johnaya. Just stop the bullshit of turning a dad’s name into some funky shit to make it for a girl.
I would like to send this to all the parents I dealt with in my first six years of teaching in Shreveport.